Thursday, August 27, 2009

[9 Days to Go] Chick Magnet

Consider this your warning. We need to be up front about this because, quite frankly, this is serious business. Seriously. In 9 days, when you shave down the beard to a mustache, you are going to have a powerful tool of attraction residing on your upper-lip. It is literally a chick magnet (female humans and just-hatched chickens cannot resist). Yes, yes, a Mustache for Michigan wields the force to win games. That is our goal. The by-product of the 'stache is that it gets the ladies like it's the 1980's. You'll get more trim than Tom Selleck and Hulk Hogan combined.

Women will want you. Men will want to be like you. You'll have the lure of the animal -- the kavorka! It's called a mustache ride for a reason, yo.

And much like Toby Maguire's existential dilemma, with great power comes great responsibility. There may be many among you that would devilishly abuse your newfound power of attraction to slay more poon than Daniel Day Lewis in The Unbearable Lightness of Being. To you I say: "Bro, not cool. Are you sure you aren't a Michigan State fan?"

But to keep you in line, you should know the mustache is a double-edged sword. That cookie duster not only ups the sexy but also your virility. You'll get women, yes... and then impregnate them. The potency of your gravy cannot be contained or sterilized. There's consequences to the mustached kavorka. So heed this warning, lest you litter the earth with your bastard children. Beware the power of the 'stache. Beware!

The real reason for Jon & Kate's plus eight.

[Keep the photos coming; send us your progress to]

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