Sunday, August 9, 2009


During this time of revolutionary change in America, it seems almost fitting that our beloved Michigan football program finds itself in similar circumstances. Change never comes easily. We have had to sacrifice much in this brave new world, and since those dead donkeys have been beaten quite enough over the last 9 months, I won’t rehash them here. Suffice to say, there have been naysayers; there are those who were simply hunky dory with the status quo, and however loyal and well-intentioned these fans may be, they are going to have to let go of the past. The law of the jungle has caught up with Michigan football: evolve or die.

Enter the Mustache.

We need to do something vastly different this season. We need to shake things up. We need to bury some of those old, stale traditions and make way for some new ones. We need to PUT DOWN OUR FUCKING KEYS AND GROW MUSTACHES. And I’m not just talking about the tangible glory of that pussy magnet tickling your upper lip. I’m talking about the need to grow a mustache on your soul.

We must forever banish the stigma of the quietest 113,000 people in college football. I am calling for you, Dear Reader, to leave that glass of chardonnay at the golf course, put your keys back in your pocket, and for fucks sake, on September 5th, 2009, MAKE SOME NOISE. Get rowdy! Be obnoxious. Stand … the whole game. And perhaps most importantly, flaunt your virility and social standing by sporting a bushy, flavor-saving instrument of justice.

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