Tuesday, August 10, 2010

[25 Days to Go] Danny Hope, You Give Mustache a Bad Name

You know we give credit where credit is due. We love to laude those that rock the mustache. We've said it before: Every 'stache is sacred. Sometimes, though, even purity can be spoiled. There is always a dark side, an unholy underbelly. There is always a villain.

We've discussed the power of the mustache. It can embue the wearer with great strength. But, like the Nazi's with the Arc of the Covenant, sometimes this mighty power gets into the wrong hands. No, we're not talking about the poor, mistreated, lice infested Buckstache. Ohio State fans are too stupid to be evil. We are talking about a quiet darkness that has been growing in West Lafayette, Indiana. Quiet because, well, who gives a shit about Purdue?*
Joe Tiller created a giant douche in his likeness: Danny Hope. 

Recently, though, Danny Hope has given the Michigan Fan a reason to despise Purdue through his acts of supreme douchiness. There was the post-game handshake shenanigans last year. There was the "our players take real classes" comment, which was pretty douchey. Not as douchey as exhibiting extremely poor sportsmanship. I mean, c'mon, Danny, what did you hope to achieve by bringing a 300 lb Offensive Lineman to the post-game handshake? Not only are you insinuating that Rich Rodriguez was at fault for the player's prior suspension but it's also as a physical threat to Rodrigeuz himself. Danny Hope, as my grandmother would say, you're a bad actor.

Normally, we'd embrace a little fuel to what is usually a perennially stomping -- that is, of course, when we aren't fielding our worst teams in school history. Good on ya for winning two in a row, Purdue. BFD -- with a little bit of good-natured sporting. If the head coach's douchiness puts a little more spice in the match-up, hell, we love a good "take that douchenozzle!" retribution. If it gets our players "up" and makes the usual shellacking of a Big Ten doormat more interesting, great.

Here's our problem: Danny Hope makes the mustache look bad by association. Danny, we know you're a spectacular tool. We know that you aren't going to change. But do you have to do it with a mustache? Shave or something. Yes, you're evil, we get it. Grow a goatee already.

So can we summarize this post with a tangential Star Wars reference? Sure can! Basically, Danny Hope is Greedo. He is a bad guy who threatens our hero. Do we care who shot first? No. Do we care that Han Solo kills him? Not really. I mean, sure, one less bad guy and all, but, like Purdue, who gives a shit about Greedo?

Danny, you tremendous d-bag, you give mustache a bad name.

*Except for exceptionally bright engineering students. Respek. Told ya, we give credit where credit is due.

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