[22 Days to Go] Friday the 13th Gets Hairy

Members of the Mustaches for Michigan Movement:

Chhhchhhchhh-Kaakaakaa-StacheStacheStache...

Happy Friday to you all. And don't let the Friday the 13th thing give you the creeps. It's just an ordinary average friday. The only sort of superstition we believe in is that of our mustaches and their power to influence the outcome of sporting events. All other beliefs involving cats or cracks or umbrellas or whathaveyou is just plain silly.

Next week the Friday Weekly Round-Ups begin! So make sure you snap a quick pic of that beard and send it to us at mustaches4michigan@gmail.com. We want to see all of your beautifully bearded faces.

There is only three more weeks until Football Eve. Those of you who have gotten a late start on your growth, fear not! There is still time. There's also still time to rope in your buddies so you're not the only jackass at your local Alumni bar or section in the Big House with an inexplicable mustache....

If there was only a way you could somehow indicate that your mustache was a Mustache for Michigan. We are toying around with the idea of designing a T-Shirt. If that's something that interests you, please let us know. Email us at mustaches4michigan@gmail.com.

And lastly, we leave you with a link that you should definitely check out. Thanks to Mustachio'er Kevin Haworth for tipping us off to this awesome photo gallery of mustaches from a time period when men were men, a large mustache was a symbol of stature and power, and John Steinbeck looked like House: GO HERE NOW. If you come across anything you find mustache-worthy, don't hesitate to send it our way: mustaches4michigan@gmail.com.

Follicularly Yours,

Mustaches For Michigan.

Grow Blue!

[23 Days to Go] The Ladies, The 'Stache, The Hazards of Love.

Old Spice Commercial Guy knows what's up: Your lady wants you to grow a mustache.

Now, she might claim otherwise but she knows deep down that there's some crazy attraction going on with the 'stache. For you, Mustaches for Michigan Member, this is a happy by-product. You get to guide your team to victory through the cosmic powers of your mustache AND your lady cannot resist you? Score, brother. Your mustache cancels out her headaches. This is what we like to call a Win-Win. Remember Newton's Law of Moustaches? Lemme remind you:

Mustache = Win.

Well when it comes to the opposite sex, this too holds true. But don't take our word for it.  Take Old Spice Commercial Guy's. Although, we can't speak to the body wash he endorses.

NOTE: If you do not already have a special ladyfriend who has come to find you generally repulsive and withholds sex, reorganizes your living space so that you can never find anything, and makes plans for you which she will tell you about the night of, then worry not, Young Mustachio'er. When you go out looking for the ladies rocking a mustache, you will easily find a young mistress who will gladly ask you to take out the garbage while telling you to never again wear your favorite shirt because of the armpit stains. But know this: Using a mustache to attract a mate requires that you be a gentleman at all times: you will be respectful and responsible. Go forth and be conquered. 

[24 Days To Go] Let Your Mustache Move to the Music

In the fall of 1898, Louis Elbel composed “The Victors.” Legend has it that he was inspired to do so by a Michigan's rousing last-minute victory over Western Conference foe Chicago. Said account, however charming, is less than historically accurate. This is immediately clear to anyone enlightened enough to recognize the transcendental significance of the song itself. Mere inspiration had nothing to do with its penning. Inspiration is nothing. No. A far greater power was at work that magical day. It was an act of the supernatural. It was…

Louis Elbel, circa 1898

The Mustache. Yes, Louis Elbel’s mustache is responsible for what John Philip Sousa called “the greatest college fight song ever written.” Sousa wrote "The Stars and Stripes Forever." Sousa was known as "The March King." Sousa, too, understood the power of the mustache.

John Philip Sousa, Man with Mustache

Over the years, "The Victors" has inspired millions; Elbel's mustache, perhaps, millions and millions more—in particular, one Madonna Louise Ciccone. As a University of Michigan student in the mid-seventies, Madonna happened upon Elbel’s visage at the University’s School of Music. There was just something about it. The image stuck with her long after her time in Ann Arbor, inspiring her creative process going forward.

Madonna, During the Creative Process

According to countless in the recording industry, throughout the 80’s and 90’s, Madonna would forgo shaving during the recording process as it would allow for a more “transcendental experience with the music.” Her words. A rep for the artist stated, “the mustache and the mustache alone is responsible for ‘Like a Virgin,’ ‘Material Girl’ and ‘Vogue,’ among many others.”

Imagine: a world without the hallowed lyrics, "It's called a dance floor, and here's what it's for...Vogue, let your body move to the music...Vogue, let your body go with the flow. You know you can do it." Without these, it's quite possible that to this very day no one-NO ONE-would have any idea what a dance floor is, in fact, for. Moreover, on the off chance someone ever did figure it out, a highly unlikely scenario to be sure, would he or she have been so bold? Would he OR she (remember, per the mustached songstress, "it makes no difference...if you're a boy or a girl") have been so inclined to use said dance floor in such a manner without being so positively implored "you know you can do it?" In a word, no.

A world without dancing is no world at all. Hail to the mustache, without which the dance floors would be empty.

[25 Days to Go] Danny Hope, You Give Mustache a Bad Name

You know we give credit where credit is due. We love to laude those that rock the mustache. We've said it before: Every 'stache is sacred. Sometimes, though, even purity can be spoiled. There is always a dark side, an unholy underbelly. There is always a villain.

We've discussed the power of the mustache. It can embue the wearer with great strength. But, like the Nazi's with the Arc of the Covenant, sometimes this mighty power gets into the wrong hands. No, we're not talking about the poor, mistreated, lice infested Buckstache. Ohio State fans are too stupid to be evil. We are talking about a quiet darkness that has been growing in West Lafayette, Indiana. Quiet because, well, who gives a shit about Purdue?*

Joe Tiller created a giant douche in his likeness: Danny Hope. 

Recently, though, Danny Hope has given the Michigan Fan a reason to despise Purdue through his acts of supreme douchiness. There was the post-game handshake shenanigans last year. There was the "our players take real classes" comment, which was pretty douchey. Not as douchey as exhibiting extremely poor sportsmanship. I mean, c'mon, Danny, what did you hope to achieve by bringing a 300 lb Offensive Lineman to the post-game handshake? Not only are you insinuating that Rich Rodriguez was at fault for the player's prior suspension but it's also as a physical threat to Rodrigeuz himself. Danny Hope, as my grandmother would say, you're a bad actor.

Normally, we'd embrace a little fuel to what is usually a perennially stomping -- that is, of course, when we aren't fielding our worst teams in school history. Good on ya for winning two in a row, Purdue. BFD -- with a little bit of good-natured sporting. If the head coach's douchiness puts a little more spice in the match-up, hell, we love a good "take that douchenozzle!" retribution. If it gets our players "up" and makes the usual shellacking of a Big Ten doormat more interesting, great.

Here's our problem: Danny Hope makes the mustache look bad by association. Danny, we know you're a spectacular tool. We know that you aren't going to change. But do you have to do it with a mustache? Shave or something. Yes, you're evil, we get it. Grow a goatee already.

So can we summarize this post with a tangential Star Wars reference? Sure can! Basically, Danny Hope is Greedo. He is a bad guy who threatens our hero. Do we care who shot first? No. Do we care that Han Solo kills him? Not really. I mean, sure, one less bad guy and all, but, like Purdue, who gives a shit about Greedo?

Danny, you tremendous d-bag, you give mustache a bad name.

*Except for exceptionally bright engineering students. Respek. Told ya, we give credit where credit is due.

[26 Days to Go] Troy Woolfolk Has A Hairy Secret

Harold Howard

Butch Woolfolk

“An explanation is probably long overdue.”

“An explanation? Jesus Christ, dad! An explanation? Look at me! Look at you.”

“It's not as bad as it looks.”

MJF

“Wait a minute, wait a minute, dad. You mean you knew about this? You knew about this and you didn't tell me?”

“I was hoping I wouldn't have to. Sometimes it skips a generation. I was hoping it would pass you by.”

“Well, Dad it didn't pass me by. It landed on my face.”

T-Wolf

"I’m going to introduce you all to something. Y’all know me, myself, Troy, but I have a split personality named T-Wolf. When I’m on the field, T-Wolf comes out.”

"Then they saw the blood on my glove," he said. "He was like 'Oh, it must be just a nail that got torn back or something.' So like I took it off slowly and I saw the bone sticking out. I was like, 'Oh, jeez.' I wanted to put it back on and act like nothing happened. ... You can ask the people.  I was mad because they were rushing up to me trying to touch it, and I don’t want nobody to touch my bone sticking out. I was about to punch them with my other hand, but I had to calm T-Wolf down."

"Right now, this is Troy. T-Wolf, he’s crazy and I can’t bring him out all the time, I only let him come out on the field.”

[27 Days to Go] How to Grow a Mustache

And if that doesn't work, there's always Print-a-Stache.

[28 Days to Go] Bradley Whitford's Molestache

We at Mustaches for Michigan love us some Good Guys.

Yes, that's right, Mr. Whitford, the ladies do love the mustache.

[29 Days to Go] What Is The Opposite Of Evil?

We here at Mustaches for Michigan love us some knowledge.  We like to get our learnin’ on, so to speak, and we don’t shy away from throwing down some big words or tackling some complicated issues. We have found that this high-browed strategy tends to ward off the hoi polloi, like those pitiable souls who might mistakenly wander over here from an MSU or Ohio State blog  (Notre Dame, we begrudgingly respect you on this front; howeva, because we can’t just let you off the hook – Potato Famine and the Crucifixion, bam! – We don’t like to pull our punches here either). 

But on whom do we depend to enlighten us on the rare occasion that we encounter an unfamiliar term?  Most seasoned academics would fall back on the venerable Oxford English or Merriam-Webster Dictionaries – trustworthy, factual publications, to be sure.  Sadly, their shared fatal flaw lies in a glacial acceptance of pop culture vernacular, which evolves at such a rapid pace these days that many a definition becomes irrelevant or even erroneous by the time it graces their ivory pages. The great Wikipedia experiment can often be a helpful resource, but the serious scholar must always take its entries with a grain of salt and an obligation to perform second source fact checks, and that’s even before acknowledging the necessity to swallow any expectation of palatable prose.

Where does one turn in this chaotic new world of information over-saturation?  Fear not, gentle student, one need look no further than the renowned Urban Dictionary.  Who else is going to give you the truth when you need to know the underlying meaning behind a hot co-worker’s proclivity towards wearing white pants?  In what other forum can you find the definition of trusticles, the rule of half-your-age-plus-seven, and an explanation of your sister’s alleged favorite new recreational activity – the Eifel Tower – all in one convenient location? 

How then, our Mustached compatriots, does this erudite lexicon define our common purpose?  The answer may not surprise you:

           

Mustache

1.     The source of all righteous power; the facial hair style of the sophisticated man or woman. 

Antonym:  Evil

1)    The power of the mustache will save us from the ultimate evil!

2)   Wow!  What a great mustache!

2.     A universal icon representing the epitome of authority and raw manhood.  It graces small children the chance to believe in a hero and causes evil-doers to second guess their existence.  There are very few things in this world that could ever achieve the divine status that each individual hair is birthed into.  Resting just above the upper lip, the mustache is a beacon to all mankind that there is hope for this world and a bright future for all who have been gifted with this treasure from God himself.

1)    When I grow up I want a mustache like that.

2)    Think you can handle this mustache?  I don’t think so …

3.     Essentially the same as the English use of “cheers.” Can be used in place of goodbye, thank you, congratulations, etc.

Jennifer:  “Did you hear my essay was selected for publication?”

Bob:  “Well done.  Mustache.”

[30 Days to Go] Tales From The Lip

They pack their cold cuts on top of the beer in  their styrofoam coolers. This makes sense, assuming that the sandwiches are consumed before the ice melts. Of course, though, the day wears on, hands reach in the cooler for more and more beer and soon the cheap plastic baggies are now resting crumpled in a watery grave. If the stale stench of cheap beer wasn't enough, the soggy bread will get smeared -- and stuck, regrettably, in the crevasses -- in their mustaches when they do get 'round to eating the packed lunch. This is a dreadful experience, these Saturdays, trust me.

These Humans are a repulsive sort, the ones that dress in red and grey and worship the "O." I have yet to figure out how the acorn and marijuana leaf fits into the mythology of their religion. They gather in large groups on Saturdays in the Fall. They practice their faith seasonally, which seems to me a lazy sort of belief system. But I'm not complaining, no, it's this time of year when things are for the worst. Year round, it's no picnic with these people, but it is especially trying when they begin their rituals by gathering to drink beer and shout at the television in parking lots. And don't get me started on the bizarre mating call which displays their minimal proficiency at spelling.

Your species in general, though -- and please, do not take this personally, I don't mean it as a condemnation, particularly when you add in my role in all of it -- can be small minded and petty. You place far too much emotional importance upon your warriors and the battles they do against the other tribes on these fall weekends. And the beer. So, so much beer. I cannot begin to describe the awful smell that stays on you, the rank odor of your breath. It is particularly bad with the O worshipers.

As far as hygiene goes for you Humans, I have the misfortune of living among the worst. It is not only hygiene that is a concern -- and I say this with the full knowledge that the hygiene of, say, the M followers, would impede the delicate balance of my living arrangement -- it is the diet of this trollish brood. Fried foods mostly. Lots of frozen dinners, too. Whatever is easiest to get stuck in their mustaches, thats the type of food they eat. Crumbs, yes, but grease too. Grease is essential to keeping bits of food lodged in mustaches.

Why am I complaining? Well, I know a thing or two about mustaches, believe me. From big bushy mustaches like Wilford Brimley's to the thin pencil mustache of Arsenio Hall. You see a mustache is a thing of beauty and it should be well kept and groomed at all times. I've heard a name for the O worshiper's mustaches: the Buckstache. Does that sound right?

Ugh, the Buckstache. 

Anyway, it should come as no surprise to anyone that knows about this tribe, they don't respect anything -- why should they respect the 'stache? They mistreat this gift of the upper lip. This buckstache is an abused bit of facial hair, like a mangy dog -- perhaps an ironic metaphor, but don't put mange on us, man. The buckstache, it is no place to make a home. But I guess, at the end of the day, if you can get past the poor behavior of the humans whose hair we inhabit, we do make for a good match. I mean, can you imagine lice in the sweet, glorious, and lavender scented mustache of a M follower? I can't either.

[DON'T FORGET: Send us your weekly progress photos to mustaches4michigan@gmail.com.  Round-ups are posted Fridays]

[31 Days To Go] Jon Stewart Knows Something About 2010

Jon Stewart likes vacations: it seems that every other time we tune into the Daily Show, they're in the midst of a 2 week hiatus.  So when Stewart & Co. exited this past July for a little rest and relaxation, we weren't surprised.  And when he returned last week with a nice little tan, we weren't surprised at that, either.  Good for you, Jon.  Good for you.

But what's this?  What's that stuff on your chin?  And underneath your nose?  Is that a goatee?

Why, yes. Yes, it is.

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Jon's White Beard
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Tea Party

And what's more, it's just in time for August?  Is that right?  Hmmm...  It doesn't take a totally biased, dyed-in-the-wool, rabidly Maize and Blue fan to read in between the lines.  Seriously, it's like totally obvious.  We're picking up what you're laying down for us, Jon.

So if you're on the fence about joining The Movement (why would you be?!) or you're not quite sure if you can pull it off (dude, you probably already look like a jackass), ponder this:

It's 2010, year 3, do or die.  We need you.  And fucking Jon Stewart is in.  He obviously knows something.

[DON'T FORGET: Send us your weekly progress photos to mustaches4michigan@gmail.com.  Round-ups are posted Fridays]