[16 Days to Go] Get Naked Man

We at Mustaches for Michigan are, as you might have guessed, fans of Michigan Football. We're out there, on the internets, reading blogs, message boards, constantly consuming information. Of course, you can't mention Michigan Football and the internet in the same sentence without thinking of MGoBlog.

About a year ago, there was an MGoBlog banner contest that yielded this submission:

The naked man banner - as it's been called by the MGoBlog diehards - then begat this thread, reproduced here without permission as originally written by MGoCommenter JBE nearly a year ago to the day. It is presented here to remind you of its mustacheness:

She was sculptor and a stone cold fox. Long blond hair and hazel eyes and a freedom about her that eased him out of his loneliness. He would come by her place, a nice two story flat across town that her wealthy parents owned, and discuss art and life and sink into the couch and drink a beer.

It was a turbulent time of disco and chaos and she stayed out of the scene by cloistering herself in her home and painting or walking to the library to read Huxley or Pynchon. Her art could be described as a homage to vaginal dexterity and he watched her sexy ass float around the room with splattered color on her polyester. She slid that brush across the canvas and bit her top lip and told him that she thought his moustache was cool. He told her all his secrets. His poverty, his illusive father, his dance floor mamma, and, of course, he told her of his loneliness.

He kept his cool and never pursued the other side, that deep dark damp blackness that made his heart pump. When she asked why he came by everyday, he replied, "because I like to watch you paint and drink a beer and smoke a little grass."

In autumn, she was abnormally quiet and reserved and painted a wonderful piece with a flower oozing pollinated glory. She removed her smock and straddled him on the couch and whispered, "I am leaving this place. I must."

He walked down the dark street and watched the leaves fall and thought deeply and solemnly. He couldn't let her leave, the emptiness would be too great. He went to Shoey Featherson's pad and demanded his friend, a budding photographer, take a picture of him. The picture came out just right.

On that miserable rainy day, he watched the burly men move her belongings into a large truck. He waited for his moment. She got inside her volkswagen and turned the ignition and he slipped into the passenger seat and grabbed her hand and placed the picture in her palm.

"I want you to groove on this for the rest of your life," he said and kissed her on the cheek. She left anyway, driving right out of his dreams.

Later that night, he strolled with a funky rhythm to the Fleetwood Diner. He sucked down his coke through a straw and winked at the foxy waitress. The waitress giggled and he forcefully grabbed her arm and pulled her close and whispered, "Man for sale and your currency is just right."

The waitress made love to him in the freezer against the frozen tenderloin of the Fleetwood. Nine months later, MGOBLOG was born; kicking and screaming and wanting more.

[Keep the photos coming; send us your progress to mustaches4michigan@gmail.com. The next roundup is coming tomorrow!]

[17 Days to Go] Mustache, Man. Mustache.

mus⋅tache [muhs-tash, muh-stash]

-noun

1. the hair growing on the upper lip

2. such hair on men, allowed to grow without shaving, and often trimmed in any of various shapes

3. hairs or bristles growing near the mouth of a mammal

-adjective

1. extremely impressive or daunting; inspiring great admiration

1a. informal: extremely good; excellent

Sometimes a word enters the lexicon and it cannot be ignored. It catches on like wildfire and spreads quicker than that virus in Season 3 of 24. The word galvanizes itself in to popular culture and becomes a zeitgeist of the times. In the 80's we had 'rad'. In the 90's it was 'sweet, bro'. In 2003, Old School brought back the 'awesome'. And we can thank How I Met Your Mother for sustaining it.

In 2009, as we prepare yet again to make another glacial shift into a new decade, we bring you 'mustache'. It connotes the same as the examples given above. Here's an example of its everyday use:

Not Me: Dude, I hooked up with the hottest chick last night.

Me: Mustache, Dude. Mustache.

Not Me: Yeah... but she gave me crabs.

Me: Ouch. Not mustache.

Mustache, dude. It's gonna be a thing. Fear not, for it too can be applied to sports and with non-chauvinistic examples no less! Let's take a look at some memorable Michigan plays from the recent past...

We certainly all remember when Alan Branch concussed Penn State's Anthony Morelli in 2006. That play, oh man, that was mustache. Eat it, Penn State:

And, as long as we are on the topic of dominating Penn State, remember the year before when Manningham ended their perfect season and dashed their national title hopes? Yeah, that was mustache too.

Or the 2004 Michigan State game? Sorry Little Brother, you thought you had that one in the bag. Then, well, Braylon Edwards called upon the mighty power of his mustache…

…and this happened:

Mustache.

Boom. Knowledge dropped. Consider yourself educated. Now add that to your vernacular employ the empowerment of the 'stache in your Michigan argot. This fall, and in particular on September 5th, when Brandon Minor is trucking over fools - or when Tate is slicing up Western's secondary like Christian Troy in Nip/Tuck - you know the words to utter from your mustached mouth: Fucking mustache, man.

[Keep the photos coming; send us your progress to mustaches4michigan@gmail.com. The next roundup is this coming Friday.]

[18 Days To Go] Send Us Your Photos!

We're approaching Friday's Roundup (Part Deux) and finding that photo submissions are waning. If you're part of The Movement and haven't submitted your progress, get on it! If you're part of The Movement and figured you'd unveil your crumb catcher in its full glory on September 5th, more power to you... But... If you've thought about documenting your progress and haven't gotten around to it yet, we implore you: SEND IN YOUR STACHES!

Send photos here: mustaches4michigan@gmail.com.

Magnum, P.I. for inspiration:

[18 Days To Go] Staches in Sports: Unleashing The Power

St. Louis enhances performance the old fashioned way.

We sit here in mid-August and revel in the subtle changes that occur when you start preparing your misshapen grill for a glorious mustache. Whiskey suddenly seems more appropriate. Watching Tombstone produces a sense of community. And shaven people somehow seem weaker and ineffective.

But the changes are a bit farther reaching. We're finding that especially true in the realm of sports. And one need not go back very far to find examples.

Take the recent success of the St. Louis Cardinals: In June, the uninspired team lost 17 of 29 games, including losses in 7 of their last 9 games. And then... the power of The Stache brought them back. They started growing nose gardens July 1. The result? They now stand atop the NL Central standings.

Said manager Tony La Russa:

"The better they pitch, the better they look. I thought (Tuesday) night Wainwright looked gorgeous."

Well done, fellas.

We can do better than this Rice player

Or take the Rice Owls: the team began growing mustaches last year in Houston during the preseason, not shaving until their first loss against Vanderbilt. How did they fare? They went 10-3, finishing with a win over none other than... a clean shaven Western Michigan in the Texas Bowl.

Rice, we salute your mustached insight.

And Western Michigan: The Mustache is coming for you. Again.

[Keep the photos coming; send us your progress to mustaches4michigan@gmail.com. The next roundup is this coming Friday.]

[19 Days to Go] Mustached Michigan Newsmen

Here at Mustaches for Michigan, we love us some news. Especially when that news is broadcast to us through the maize and blue lens of a Michigan grad. Today, we bring you the mustaches of some of our famous news anchor alumni.

David Shuster, Michigan Man

Record vs. Ohio State, in his lifetime: 20-20-2; all tied up.

Probably best known for: being suspended from MSNBC during the primaries, after he referred to Chelsea Clinton as being “pimped out” by her mother’s campaign.

Another notable report filed recently by this intrepid reporter, and one for which he is sure to be nominated for a Peabody, is this one, where he discusses the finer points of the “Teabagging” movement.

“It‘s going to be teabagging day for the right-wing and they're going nuts for it. Thousands of them whipped out the festivities early this past weekend, and while the parties are officially toothless, the teabaggers are full-throated about their goals.

"They want to give President Obama a strong tongue-lashing and lick government spending--spending they did not oppose when they were under presidents Bush and Reagan.” …

“[Neil] Cavuto, defending his network‘s proportion of teabagging said, quote, "We are going to be right in middle of these teabaggers, because at FOX, we do not pick and choose these rallies and protests. We were there for the Million Man March.” …

“Of course, the Million Man March occurred, as NewsHounds.org points out, almost a year before FOX News was on the air.”

“We can only speculate why widespread teabagging made Cavuto think of the Million Man March, unless he got them confused with Dick Armey. And in Cavuto‘s defense, if you are planning simultaneous teabagging all around the country, you‘re going to need a Dick Armey.”

David, in all seriousness, we love you here at Mustaches for Michigan. Keep up the good work. And tell that fat fuck Ed you want your time slot back.

Sanjay Gupta, Michigan Man

Record vs. Ohio State, in his lifetime: 20-18-2; Michigan leads.

Probably best known for: being CNN’s Chief Medical Correspondent

Let me start by saying, Sanjay Gupta is such a badass, he turned down the post of U.S. Surgeon General offered to him by the Obama administration. He had better shit to do, or something. Also crossed off his list of badassery: being one of People Magazine’s Sexiest Men, circa 2003.

Mr. Gupta hails from Novi, and attended a premed/med school hybrid program at U of M. He is reportedly a season-ticket holder and a big fan of Rich Rodriguez.

Mike Wallace, Michigan Man

Record vs. Ohio State, in his lifetime: 45-42-4, Michigan leads.

Probably best known for: 70 years of journalism, 20 Emmy Wins

Known for his take-no-prisoners style of interview, Mike Wallace has also battled chronic depression over the years. His well-documented disdain for Ohio State always puts a smile on our mustached faces, and when interviewed about the best rivalry in all of sports for HBO, he beamed, “I cannot think of a happier experience.”

Mike, we here at Mustaches for Michigan salute you, sir. May you live and work many more years, and may those years be filled with many more mustached Michigan wins.

[Keep the photos coming; send us your progress to mustaches4michigan@gmail.com. The next roundup is this coming Friday.]

[20 Days To Go] The Movement Grows: When Carcajous Attack! Joins

We proudly welcome When Carcajous Attack! to The Movement. And we take delight in his words:

"Listen to me when I tell you that a Michigan Stadium jam-packed with over one hundred thousand mustache-brandishing Wolverine partisans on September 5th would be such a stunning sight - so powerful and endearing - and far too magnanimous for resentment, no one will be able to capture such an event and put it to words or music."

Welcome aboard.

[Keep the photos coming; send us your progress to mustaches4michigan@gmail.com. The next roundup is this coming Friday.]

[21 Days to Go] Follicular Fodder for Facial Hair Formations

We are in awe of these bearded and mustached men.

[22 Days To Go] Week 1 Roundup

So, as we end Week 1 of Mustaches For Michigan and we enter Week 2 with twenty-two days to go, we are excited. Excited for Rich Rodriguez to slap some hoes - Notre Dame, MSU, PSU, OSU... maybe even Wayne Brady too. Excited for Michigan to put behind the [expletive deleted] season. And, most importantly, excited for that first game on September 5th.

The alumni and fan base is strong, and we have proof: since we launched, we've had the privilege of being linked on The Wolverine Blog and MGoBlog - two fine representations of our community. Thank you, guys. As Michigan Fans, we salute you. May your mustaches grow exponentially - a logarithmic improbability, we know. But still.

As promised, each Friday we will present you with our growth. Yes in a creepy internet way. Here are some of the photos towards Mustache-dom we have collected (we understand it's been short notice, and we understand that some of you may be joining us a little late. However, we appreciate all of your contributions... and we need more). The Movement is about sporting a mustache for the September 5th opener. But, at its core, it's about showing support for a new era. It's about facing what lies ahead with resolve and purpose.

Mustache, we celebrate you. Michigan's 2009 football squad, we celebrate you too. Oh, what's that you say? Too cheesy? Well thats just our Mustaches speaking. Goddamnit, fine. That's us; we are cheesy. Our mustaches say: GROW A F#*@ING MUSTACHE FOR MICHIGAN!

We're behind you, Rich.

Week 1 photo update:

As always, keep sending us your photos to mustaches4michigan@gmail.com. Go Blue.

Et Cetera: Shout out to The Wright Stache... You're preaching to the choir, my man.

[23 Days to Go] The Mustache and What Could Have Been

September 1, 2007—A day that shall live in infamy. Only, we here at Mustaches for Michigan wish that it wouldn’t live on at all. But to this day, we still have nightmares of “The Horror.” How could we not? As much as we’d love to place said event firmly in the rearview and never look back (and we try), there are those who conspire to keep it front and center. That Sportsline’s Dennis Dodd feels compelled to continually make mention should come as no surprise. Dennis Dodd works for CBS. That same network continues to employ Gary Danielson, after all.

Stay Tuned, More at 11

Unfortunately, Dodd’s not alone in his mission of continued misery. This very morning, Bloomington's Herald-Times sportswriter Hugh Kellenberger made reference on the Hoosier Scoop. “First, Appalachian State pulled off the upset of the century.” It should be noted, Hugh Kellenberg attended Appalachian State. How he found his way across the Mason-Dixon line and into Big Ten country remains a mystery. It’s no mystery wherefore neither Kellenberger, nor Dodd, nor Danielson sport a mustache.

No Mustaches. No Surprise.

Those sporting mustaches are for us. Those not sporting mustaches are against us. This much is clear. It follows that on the morning of September 1, 2007, Armanti Edwards ate some breakfast, took a shower, and then promptly and thoroughly shaved. Where the events of the day truly begin to take shape is in the opposing locker room with one, Chad Henne.

Et tu, Henné?

It does not require a keen eye to surmise what’s sorely missing. Yet, photo evidence suggests that Henne was oftentimes far from clean shaven. There exists many a picture of him cradling a beer in one hand and a blonde in the other with the seedling of a Michigan Mustache taking root on his upper lip. There is little doubt he scored, and repeatedly so, on those evenings of photographic record. This begs the question, could “The Horror” have been avoided if Henne had manned up the week prior?

Oh! If Only We'd Known Then, What We Know Now

There's little doubt. RoboStache equals championship.

[As always, keep the photos coming! Send us your mustaching prep photo to: mustaches4michigan@gmail.com]

[23 Days To Go] Lloyd Wants Your Mustache To Be Well Rounded

We're now 23 days away from the first game of the 2009 Wolverine football season (hell yeahhh!). And as this rock we call Earth hurdles its way through time and space, on an inevitable collision course with September 5th, we find it appropriate to take a moment and provide a brief contextual background on the history of the mustache. Because we all know, as Michigan alumni and fans, that the bonds that tie us reach deeper than the superficiality of the win/loss column. They cover a larger base and fit into a grander scheme. At the University of Michigan, academics play just as important a role as athletics, and perhaps no single coach exemplified this notion more than Lloyd Carr.

He was known for being an avid reader, a well-read teacher, and a coach who understood that there is more to life than winning football games. We're talking about a man who was paid millions to run a football program, yet kept books by Doris Kearns Goodwin inside his office and a dictionary just outside it so that players would have to choose a new word and use it in a sentence upon entering. He brought a certain gravitas to an already storied program and for that, Mustaches For Michigan is grateful.

So as you prepare a lustrous lip sweater in anticipation of September 5th, feel free to regale your friends and family with these follicly based morsels of truth...

• The word mustache comes to us from the French language (moustache), which in turn comes from Italian (mostaccio), which comes from the Greek word, moustak.
• Shaving began during Neolithic times with stone razors
• The oldest known portrait of a mustached man is a Scythian horseman from 300 B.C.
• The mustache has been widely used in the military as a symbol of unity, much like the army uniform conveys organization and power.
• The mustache hit its apex during the series Magnum, P.I.
• Hungarian cuisine is rated by its ability to cling to the upper lip
• Women with an aversion to lip sweaters have latent issues with their father
• There are several styles of mustache, including (but not limited to): Hungarian, English, Imperial, Natural, Dali, Freestyle, Handlebar, Fu Manchu, Pencil, Toothbrush, and Walrus
  Wilford Brimley: I am The Walrus.

Armed with these introductory facts, Dear Readers, you may thoughtfully ruminate on the style that will suit your face best, so that on September 5th, when you shave down from a beard, you will do so with a sense of purpose. Lloyd Carr would like it that way.

[Editor's Note (yes, we have an Editor): 1. Some unfounded opinions have been misrepresented as "facts". 2. Join the Movement and send in your photos to mustaches4michigan@gmail.com. 3. Progress photos go up each Friday].