Friday, October 30, 2009

Operation Michigan-D Mustache Initiative

Much has been made this season about Michigan's much maligned defense. The soft pass coverage, the walk-ons, the blown assignments, the J-effing-C big plays, so so many touchdowns given away. It's been ugly. It's caused Brian of MGoBlog to decree:

Michigan has two Big Ten level secondary members and guys who might not start for a good MAC team elsewhere. There is no hope for that the rest of the season.

I've given up on the linebackers, and it sounds like the coaches are getting there, too.

Our all-stars on defense -- and future NFL players -- are obvs. Brandon Graham and Donovan Warren. We've seen decent-to-good play from Troy Woolfork, Ryan Van Bergen, and Mike Martin. The linebackers? Ecckk! The safety and corner not named Woolfork or Warren? Uggh.

We know our strengths and we know our weaknesses. This defense is what it is. And it's not gonna get any better for the remainder of 2009, ok? So just wipe the thought of a second-half-of-the-season upswing. Got it?

Well, hold up. Back the train up here, buddy. Why have world-beaters Graham and Donovan been playing at such a high level? Is it their individual God-given talent? What about Woolfork?

Take a look at the pictures below. Tell me what you see. What do these Michigan defensive players have in common?
Hint: Look at the area below their noses and above their lips.

That's right. Warren, Graham, and Woolfork all have mustaches! How's that for some correlational evidence for their performance on the field? Now that's the power of the 'stache, friends. So if Mustaches = Superior Play, then how does the rest of the defense stack up?

Let's take a look, shall we? The 2009 Michigan Defensive Starters:

Holy Crappola. If you want to talk about the potential for improvement for the rest of the season, there's ALOT of room for growth. (No, I will not pardon the pun. It's extremely well-crafted and timed. That's how you use a pun. Take note.)

Well. Then there's Mouton. Who is sporting a 'stache and who is just meh*. Shit. That kind of blows your whole argument, doesn't it, Mr. Smartypants?? Well, not exactly. Just think of how Mouton would be playing if he didn't have the mustache... Aye-carumba!

And Van Bergen? Martin? Imagine them wielding the power of the mustache? Holy Jesus! You talk about a dominating D-Line. This must happen.

That brings us to Operation Michigan-D Mustache Initiative.

Using the far reaching internet there must be someone out there that's close to the team, these players, who can convince them to grown mustaches for the Ohio State game. They MUST grow mustaches for the Ohio State game if we want to have a prayer for a Michigan victory. If there's only six degrees of separation between myself and Kevin Bacon (and I'd say I'm only about 2-3 degrees away from him), then certainly Mustaches for Michigan can get to these players**.

We've seen what happens when we -- the fans -- grow mustaches (i.e. WMU on Sept. 5th). What happens when the players sport mustaches? Just ask Penn State Linebacker Josh Hull how that's been working out for him.

So it's up to you, Mustaches for Michigan community. Spread word of Operation Michigan-D Mustache Initiative. Let's hope that it reaches our Defensive Players in time.

Grow Blue!

* Mouton, sorry bro.
** In a non-creepy, fan-boy stalker "I just bumped into Tate at Tim Horton's" kinda way. Certainly someone is friends or otherwise cool with these kids.

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